Friday, December 25, 2009
ive not posted any entries for a god damn long time...... sigh. whenever i blog, it's about sad things.
why must this break up happen? i planned so much and so long for his birthday and wished that he will be e happiest boy on that day. but it was ruined just a week before his birthday. yess. 21st birthday ought to be celebrated as big event..... and that is why im putting in so much effort to plan. Sold my laptop... stay at home for like the entire month everyday after sch just to save a meagre amount of 10 dollars. I just wanted to get a better gift for him. wanted this gift to accompany him thru army days and wkends to kill his boredom n make him happier.
In the end .. all these doesn't even matter. I don't mean i do alot. this is nth to what he did for me too. he worked alot to save for a camera for me too. But for me, i know i have done my best and put in all my effort to make this birthday special. and yes i ruined it....... by showing my unhappy face during his birthday celebration planned by his family. It's not that im unhappy of celebration. it's just that i feel that everything i do has gone down the drain. really.
i researched from site to site. looking for e best place to celebrate.. best place to dine at... consider e costs.. consider everything. which took me damn long to plan. in e end? it's nth. who wudnt be disappointed? it's not that im being plain unreasonble for not wanting to celebrate on sunday... but by the time we take bus here n dere, he has to book in again. And e restaurant functions at night. hai...everything just sucks. wanted the best for him in end i got the " best " for myself.. :)
i know NDU is very very stressful..does that mean i have to put up wiv intolerable attitude? i know i've very very lousy attitude too. but isnt a boyfriend supposed to cherish and love his gf and not belittle and insult her? i've cried a couple of times silently when he shows me attitude..... i just didn't want to spend our wkend quarrelling. i wish we make optimum use of it. to spend it sweetly and make it memorable and make us both look forward again to the next wkend.
But i failed to do that...we often quarrel over wkends. It makes me feel so sickeningg.. and make me not even feel like seeing him the next week.
all these are just thoughts out of anger n disappointment. Subsequently, i still look forward to friday nights or saturday noons....although he's rather quiet sometimes but i still enjoy his company. just seeing him doze off will make me feel happy too. I don't know why.. maybe he's my first true love? my really very first true love. nobody is able to make me cry after a break up or have insomnia at night. but
him. i keep going out everyday.... going online to find things to do till damn late. find pple to talk to at night over e phone just to make sure im very very very tired. and i get up ultra early. just to make sure im VERY tired and slpy. and tt will ensure me to sleep earlier e next day. im not torturing myself... i tink thats the only way to help me out thru this period of misery.
im just so disappointed. Yes.. im the one who initiated the break up. becos after umpteen promises, his attitude still didn't change.. he was still as egoistic and both of us always want to conquer each other. i dun wish to mention what happpened during the quarrel..... but i was utterly hurt... it makes me lose faith in this person i love so much. how can he treat me like this? am i just dirt to him??????? hai.. but in my heart, i really hope this break up is a stepping stone for our relationship. i didnt really want to draw e line between us. cos i still have lotsa feelings for this fellow. i just want him to change his attitude and still contact me..... and till e day i realise e change in him, i wish to be back wiv him again. Perhaps i took e wrong step... it led to nth eventually. It made me realised, im insignificant to him. he didn't make e effort to make me stay.. and not even mentioning that he will change for me this time. yea maybe i said break up for too many times..... hes sick of it finally. i know. and moreover i hurt him bitterly by breaking up on e day b4 his birthday. he must have hated me. but i really have no choice.. i didnt want to hide my disappointment in this r/s anymore. Since like damn long ago, many ppl told me we are nt compatible. I still choose to believe in myself.. although i get influenced easily be it by ideas or habits, i dun get influenced by people's view of my r/s easily.
And now.. he has left. he eventually left...my heart just aches till i can feel it stop beating sooner or later. From my naive and stupid tinking tt from the break up will lead to sth good someday, it became my worst nightmare. It became tt he's the one losing faith in this relationship more than i do. it became he's more like the one who wants the break-up permanently now. i just felt so sad.. like a knife stabbing right thru my heart :(((( just why? im so insignificant to him until he just didnt even make me stay. he just let me go just like im a passer by in his life..... hai. fuck life. Love is all bout disappointment and empty promises.. N lies... he told me he will definitely find me this week and didnt msg me just to let me cool down. now i tink of it, it was just a lie... he didnt find me in the end. i dont tink it's to let me cool down but perhaps, his love for me is fading away. he finds no faith in this r/s anymore. so it's pointless to msg me too. i lost all my confidence in love totally. i don't tink i can ever meet someone who can rebuild my confidence in love. he just told me. he wudnt msg me for the time being till i can forget him i assume. but again i assume, he just will never msg me again.. he's forgetting me soon. cant believe a guy ive been wiv through thick n thin for TWO YEARS 2 MONTHS near to 3 MONTHS can just leave like that...showing no interest to make me stay.. hai.. i just fucking hate guys now.
shattered
♥ wake me up
8:38 AM
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was it luck?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Finally got my license after this long awaited day ; 13/6
My instructor told me i only had 50% chance of passing?
how demoralising right?!! can't he say sth else to boost my confidence. :(
I was alr trembling before i entered the TP room. n ive got a weird habit. I can never leave my throat dry. That is why u can see me gulping down water almost all the time! The worst thing is i din bring in my water wiv me. Then i started swallowing my saliva to moisten my parched throat. however it didnt help but only got worse! Zonkey was there to support me!
How i hope i could get wanhui's tester at tht point of time! my eagerness plunged down when an indian tester called out for me. He looked sooo stern n didn't bother talk to me.Everyting went out fine just that im too slow.I reckoned tt when he kept doing the tsk tsk tsk sound n stared at his watch. I kept apologising to him after making a mistake like failing to signal. And of cos he deducted my points lol. He doesn't seem much responsive. I was the first to leave for the test n also the last to reach the test centre. I knew it from zonkey he's the all time on-looker. hahaha. My face turned black after reaching n i didn't even realise zonkey is following behind me. The tester told me to follow him to the office.
I was alr mentally prepared tht i would fail for he keep jotting down stuff in the car. Surprisingly when im seated in the office he told me " don't drive so slow next time ah, go take ur license". woo! i was soooooo overjoyed. I really didn't expect for this n that accounts for why i didn't bring money to make my license. I think im being lucky!!!!!!!!!! for a moment, i find this tester really nice LOL!
♥ wake me up
8:55 PM
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IM UGLY.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
In my mundane life, major project and sleeping takes up most of my life. Sad to say.
watched 17 again recently with zonkey and i guess that was the sole thing that makes my whole week worthwhile. zac efron is so so so stunning. girls will definitely go gaga over him! For the past few weeks, i've been returning home straight after school. HOW BORING RIGHT? hai.
I'm just so sick of school! I'm much worse than a jailbird. at least prisoners get to do physical activities every morning. what bout me?! my activity in the morning is to lim teh in the canteen. rot till lunch time and barge out of school when the clock strikes 1130. I'm just so afraid we might procrastinate this major project until it is all too late. The main thing is we have NOTHING to do in school !! we need to wait for components to arrive b4 we can start any shit work.
my self-esteem is getting lower and lower. after some bitch criticised me for my looks. sigh.
walked past the canteen yesterday and there was this ah lian engine student together with another guy. It was just so apparent that they were talking bout me. when i walked past their table, this ah lian turned n gave me a glance. N immediately she turned back to this guy and said " bu hao kan.. yi dian dou bu hao kan lor! " wah i wondered if she purposely said that loud to make me realise that im ugly? i know im somone who is frigging ugly with countless pimples. But why must she make me feel worse ? Argh. She dyed her hair some golden retreiver colour snd her eyeliner makes up 3/4 of her eyes. how pathetic is that? her face is caked with white powder which makes her look like a drug addict. every part of her contributes to her AH LIAN look.
now i needa get prepared to go out but i've no mood at all. just becos i feel ugly. :(
♥ wake me up
12:41 AM
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Saturday, April 4, 2009
hasn't updated for a long long time.
holidays are coming to an end very soon. i've not had enough fun! i've not worked throughout this whole term break. lol.. it's just so unlike me. for the all the past term breaks, i've been a workaholic. work non-stop..and job hop all the time. from it shows to surveyor to skinfood & then to sk II etc etc..n finally i was
tired.really tired. I could have spent my time with friends and bf. Instead, i kept toiling myself n make myself like a work maniac.
everytime i receive my pay, i'll be overjoyed. but i realise each time i get my pay.. i spent it on something which i hated to; my medical fees. i had overworked n gradually my immune system breaks down. sigh.. i fail to juggle sch and work simultaneously. i fell sick for like 6 times over 3 months last year from oct till dec. money gets drained out each time i visit the clinic. is that what im yearning for? i often ponder over it. i became thinner.. n could only eat plain congee when i was sick. i was very pessimistic at that time. i have to stay at home and take countless MCs.. i couldn't go sch and have fun with friends. i couldn't even go out with zonkey. I even troubled him to make trips down to visit me. i hated myself immensely for troubling everyone at that time but i kept it to myself.
i hated it when the doctor asked me "why are u here again? " i felt like a loser n a weakling.
so.. im
not gona work anymore until i graduate.
miss jingting! :D
♥ wake me up
11:18 PM
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Tuesday, March 3, 2009
after patching up wiv zonkey, we still quarrel.. but i guess things have changed for the better now. at least we try to resolve together!! :D happy happy. but hopefully it's not only for the start.. stay sweet always! pls don't make me upset anymore in future! we have not gone many places. like ZOO? to see ur same species. donkey.
sent jingting off last sunday at T1..haiz she will be away for 4 months ! will miss her LOTs!!
i will have 1 lesser listening ear for these 4 mths..nobody to gossip with, nobody to explore good food with, nobody to listen to my woes! but nevertheless, wish her e best for her attachment. i'll wait for you to come back !!!!!! on the day ure back , we are going to eat lotsa food. cos i noe u will miss SG food like hell. lol.
im so bored at home! n i duno why. this blogshop released their new collection at 5 46pm n i viewed it at 6 15pm. just within tis short period of time, 1 nice skirt was alr purchased by someone else. ARGHHH. i think they only have 1 piece for each design la.
going to sleep very very early tonight. i hate my PIMPLES. they are always there. my brother calls me CHICKENPOX FACE. haiz..ive no face to go out. :( let me hide in my shell till i recover. 1 word to describe my looks now. HIDEOUS.
♥ wake me up
3:11 AM
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INDOOR TANNING
Monday, February 16, 2009
went for indoor tanning at fabulous tanning the day before yest. ( valentine's day ) wiv claudine !!!! haha. how lesbie are we. :D there's really difference in our skin color just after 10 mins. hai but i experienced redness, itch and burning feeling late at nite. argh... but my cheeks are rosy. hahaha so okay la.
i shall stop complaining. went jurong point wiv zonkey yesterday and i realised hw long ive not been dere! so much changes. and dere's lotsa food dere too. DROOLS. watched love matters n it was soooooooo funny.
TODAY~
went sch n actualli wanted to study. but my plan failed. end up talking again wiv keekwoon n bel bel. haha. at least i photocopied some exam papers which might be beneficial to me in these few days hehe. wanted to play pool after sch but nobody wants to acc me !!!! :'(
i know im far too lazy. people are mugging like hell n yet i still wana play. lol. just for today!!! no more fun from tmr onwards till exams end alr.
♥ wake me up
6:35 AM
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confused
Friday, February 13, 2009
i feel happy. but somehow had mixed feelings too.. haiz
♥ wake me up
7:48 PM
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