Friday, December 25, 2009
ive not posted any entries for a god damn long time...... sigh. whenever i blog, it's about sad things.
why must this break up happen? i planned so much and so long for his birthday and wished that he will be e happiest boy on that day. but it was ruined just a week before his birthday. yess. 21st birthday ought to be celebrated as big event..... and that is why im putting in so much effort to plan. Sold my laptop... stay at home for like the entire month everyday after sch just to save a meagre amount of 10 dollars. I just wanted to get a better gift for him. wanted this gift to accompany him thru army days and wkends to kill his boredom n make him happier.
In the end .. all these doesn't even matter. I don't mean i do alot. this is nth to what he did for me too. he worked alot to save for a camera for me too. But for me, i know i have done my best and put in all my effort to make this birthday special. and yes i ruined it....... by showing my unhappy face during his birthday celebration planned by his family. It's not that im unhappy of celebration. it's just that i feel that everything i do has gone down the drain. really.
i researched from site to site. looking for e best place to celebrate.. best place to dine at... consider e costs.. consider everything. which took me damn long to plan. in e end? it's nth. who wudnt be disappointed? it's not that im being plain unreasonble for not wanting to celebrate on sunday... but by the time we take bus here n dere, he has to book in again. And e restaurant functions at night. hai...everything just sucks. wanted the best for him in end i got the " best " for myself.. :)
i know NDU is very very stressful..does that mean i have to put up wiv intolerable attitude? i know i've very very lousy attitude too. but isnt a boyfriend supposed to cherish and love his gf and not belittle and insult her? i've cried a couple of times silently when he shows me attitude..... i just didn't want to spend our wkend quarrelling. i wish we make optimum use of it. to spend it sweetly and make it memorable and make us both look forward again to the next wkend.
But i failed to do that...we often quarrel over wkends. It makes me feel so sickeningg.. and make me not even feel like seeing him the next week.
all these are just thoughts out of anger n disappointment. Subsequently, i still look forward to friday nights or saturday noons....although he's rather quiet sometimes but i still enjoy his company. just seeing him doze off will make me feel happy too. I don't know why.. maybe he's my first true love? my really very first true love. nobody is able to make me cry after a break up or have insomnia at night. but
him. i keep going out everyday.... going online to find things to do till damn late. find pple to talk to at night over e phone just to make sure im very very very tired. and i get up ultra early. just to make sure im VERY tired and slpy. and tt will ensure me to sleep earlier e next day. im not torturing myself... i tink thats the only way to help me out thru this period of misery.
im just so disappointed. Yes.. im the one who initiated the break up. becos after umpteen promises, his attitude still didn't change.. he was still as egoistic and both of us always want to conquer each other. i dun wish to mention what happpened during the quarrel..... but i was utterly hurt... it makes me lose faith in this person i love so much. how can he treat me like this? am i just dirt to him??????? hai.. but in my heart, i really hope this break up is a stepping stone for our relationship. i didnt really want to draw e line between us. cos i still have lotsa feelings for this fellow. i just want him to change his attitude and still contact me..... and till e day i realise e change in him, i wish to be back wiv him again. Perhaps i took e wrong step... it led to nth eventually. It made me realised, im insignificant to him. he didn't make e effort to make me stay.. and not even mentioning that he will change for me this time. yea maybe i said break up for too many times..... hes sick of it finally. i know. and moreover i hurt him bitterly by breaking up on e day b4 his birthday. he must have hated me. but i really have no choice.. i didnt want to hide my disappointment in this r/s anymore. Since like damn long ago, many ppl told me we are nt compatible. I still choose to believe in myself.. although i get influenced easily be it by ideas or habits, i dun get influenced by people's view of my r/s easily.
And now.. he has left. he eventually left...my heart just aches till i can feel it stop beating sooner or later. From my naive and stupid tinking tt from the break up will lead to sth good someday, it became my worst nightmare. It became tt he's the one losing faith in this relationship more than i do. it became he's more like the one who wants the break-up permanently now. i just felt so sad.. like a knife stabbing right thru my heart :(((( just why? im so insignificant to him until he just didnt even make me stay. he just let me go just like im a passer by in his life..... hai. fuck life. Love is all bout disappointment and empty promises.. N lies... he told me he will definitely find me this week and didnt msg me just to let me cool down. now i tink of it, it was just a lie... he didnt find me in the end. i dont tink it's to let me cool down but perhaps, his love for me is fading away. he finds no faith in this r/s anymore. so it's pointless to msg me too. i lost all my confidence in love totally. i don't tink i can ever meet someone who can rebuild my confidence in love. he just told me. he wudnt msg me for the time being till i can forget him i assume. but again i assume, he just will never msg me again.. he's forgetting me soon. cant believe a guy ive been wiv through thick n thin for TWO YEARS 2 MONTHS near to 3 MONTHS can just leave like that...showing no interest to make me stay.. hai.. i just fucking hate guys now.
shattered
♥ wake me up
8:38 AM
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